Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Scumbug Sunshine

Here's some earrings I made. You might like them, I hope you do. They're not up in the shop yet because I don't care. That's right- I have none of the cares. Call me honey badger. I'm a honey badger for jewelry, for running a shop, for anything that involves leaving my room.


Y'see, I get like this every year around this time; I despise the heat with a loathing only comparable to Voldemort's opinion of Muggles.  I do have a genuine heat and light intolerance as well as anxiety and this whole post-traumatic business, so it's not just pathetic whining. But when it gets to the end of summer as it is now and the weather is near to 30 (that's Celsius) for 10 days in a row, I am so utterly sick of it that I resort to hermit-like behaviour. Any self-empowering responsibilities and tasks go right out the window to die a shriveled death in the baking sun. Which is really saying something, because I am (as my last therapist put it) hyper-responsible. I feel responsible for everything, even things that are other people's responsibility. You put me in a house, even if I'm just visiting for tea, I feel responsible for it. I feel like someone's going to burst through the door and point at me screaming 'look at this mess/wall colour/furniture orientation/choice of TV show!!!!!! IT'S DISGRACEFUL AND I HOLD YOU PERSONALLY TO BLAME. That's my brain all the time. It likes to yell at me.

It yells at me (usually around 4am) that I'm wasting my life, that I'm not happy, that I should be doing more with myself. I should be out there! Famous! Productive!! I try to counter with 'well I have this shop thing' and I'm over-run with THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH NO ONE CARES. It yells at me for doing things wrong, or inefficiently, or taking to long, or not doing it to a high enough level. When I give up and don't do it at all, it yells at me for giving up. If I decide to get sad about it, I get yelled at. I try justifying myself to myself, I just get things like 'why are you so special? Plenty of people have it worse off than you. They have to go off to work all day, they have jobs they hate. There are people in this world who make a living catching rats in garbage dumps, do you think they lay around being pathetic?! My brain doesn't understand that all suffering is relative. It think there's a universally regulated scale and the lower you are on it the more grateful you should be. At least you're not on drugs.

So while this happens through the whole year, it's more than I can deal with in the heat. I'm going on holiday again- well shutting down the shops. It's funny though, while I look upon 'holiday mode' in Sparrow Salvage as some kind of permission to party, when I close fagin's daughter I somehow feel like I'm removing an element of joy from my life. I like having that shop- I like all the beautiful little things, I like the age and the history, I like taking their photos, I LOVE shopping to find them and I love passing them on to people who love them even more. And I love that I can potentially make a living that way.

But I don't love jewelry, and I haven't done for a really really long time. I've slowly slid down the scale from 'maybe you're just burnt out' to 'well it's a living' to 'come on it's not that bad and everyone likes it' to the current location of 'why must I persist with this horror'. I know there's often a great hue and cry when I announce I'm giving up jewelry so I'm not doing that just yet. I know there's also usually a great frenzy of crafting on my part barely 24 hours after the announcement, as if giving it up is some kind of defiance to myself- giving it up hey? good luck with that! *sudden passion for earrings*

I don't think that's going to happen this time though. I have drifted around apathy for some time. I make because that's what I've been doing for 5 years, but it doesn't make me happy. I want to do large textile pieces, and ceramics, and maybe some kind of felting or eco-dying. But at this time of year, I don't care. Of course I don't have this problem in the colder weather, I'm happy to work, make things, go to the post office. Going to the PO is a big one- in this heat it's something akin to medieval torture. But in the colder months, I love it- fresh breezes, photo taking, thrifting. Not so in the heat. It seem a natural conclusion to me to move to a colder region, and I do very very very much want to do that. But how do you do that? I want to move to the UK, but I don't want to spend any time wandering around looking for the best town. I know I love the west country, and that my home is somewhere in the borders of Dorset/Somerset and Cornwall.

image source unknown

But I really hate travelling. I like to feel 'at home', especially after having spent the last 12 months temporarily housed with family and friends, I've lost that comfort I need to know a place is where I can settle, where I can stay. I had that before the accident and I want it back again - I'm a domestic bird, wandering is not my thing. So I convince myself I should get a house (with a 5 star air conditioner) for a year or so, settle down a bit and enjoy that domestic contentment, all while planning out what makes me happy and researching how one goes about moving half way around the world with as little money/effort as possible. 

For this week though, I'm going to hole up in front of the fan and watching a lot of anything set in the English countryside. Maybe some documentaries about snow.


Anonymous said...

(((hugs))) I hate winter, I long for heat...like HOT heat, so I get ya, wanna trade houses? I live in the land of permanent winter...Portland Or, but am from Palm Springs. Please never close Fagin's cause that's what I do for cheer, order from OZ! K? k! ;)

shibui said...

That's are good idea! Trade houses with someone. You hate heat - they love heat. As far as making jewelry, if you don't want to do it right now or ever again that's okay. Give yourself the gift of "That's okay" or "No" I don't want to do that. I want to find stuff and resell it. I want to throw pots, I want to ....
Do what you want.

queenofcuffs said...

Your words read so true.
Not enough hours in the day / month in the year / years in a lifetime to make and try all the things you want to. Wanting to create large canvas work . . huge textiles - but still working scaled down. Frustrated by lack of production and direction and yet creating lots. At my age - all these years - I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up !!!
Would you really move country? It can be a crazy restlessness that makes you think 'it' just might all fall into place by moving. Maybe - maybe not.
Don't mean to rant on - but I understand the mix you are talking about. Maybe Ireland - maybe West Cork???? Hope you can feel cool soon.

Patty said...

Slap that bitch critic right now!
Knock her off your shoulder and get
thee to thy textiles. I'd say that's a first step to getting out of that
funk, been there and know it's hell.

Ha! I finally quit listening to folks telling me to stick to one way of making and have since had a heck of a fun year. What you learn in one way of making will apply to other ways.

Agree about the heat, having a home
and second guessing. You are talented and your photography knocks my socks off! You're finding
your way and your voice. Sending
you good thoughts and encouragement. Just keep on going.

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Lynn Viehl said...

I grew up in the tropics where it was hot almost year-round. No air conditioning, either -- the closest thing we had to it was when my mom placed a bowl of icecubes in front of a box fan in hopes it would cool off the dining room before dinner (didn't work very well, either.)

I think creative people are very hard on ourselves when we don't live up to the impossible standards we set for our productivity. Inspiration is a fickle thing, too, but every now and then something amazing happens -- like when something you've done inspires someone on the other side of the planet. Some artwork I recently bought from your Etsy shop helped bail me out of a creative hash of my own. You can read about it here: http://toriana.blogspot.com/2013/03/when-story-finds-you.html

Jenni said...

I hate the heat too and are just SO lazy and uninspired during these long hot boring days! Autumn is not too far away... so I have been told! Hope you can get some cool relief and inspiration for your new path ahead.

Evelyn said...

Here in the north east of England (and in the south too according to the weather reports) it is snowing. In March. Are you sure you want this??
But I do know what you mean, having lived in a hot climate for some years before coming home. If it's too cold you can put on extra layers and jump about a bit.
I am full of admiration (and envy) for your creations.
This is the first time I have tried to post a comment, so I hope I can do it right. Here goes.

betweenreader said...

Yow! I thought I was the only one feeling that way, only here it's the relentless gray and lack of sun or seasonal distinction. And the same for jewelry, except I often look to your work for inspiration, and it does give some relief! The irony of it all. PS: Doc Martin series is in a good Cornish setting. And we can relate to the curmudgeon aspect. I hope things will shift soon, dear.

fanciful devices said...

awwww- sweetie.
you're the best and i lurvs you. and i love those earrings. and you should take the generic wellbutrin i take, it makes you hyperproductive. w/o it i just laze around in front of the tv. yay drugs. also, when i lived thru uruguay's winter w/o heating, all i did all day was try to keep myself warm and huddle by the propane heater. like, get you an ac.
my brain goes into, like, children sex slaves and ppl abducted and tortured. which turns out, our government does...
but yeah pre-medication my self hated me and it was least capable of doing anything about it. now that life's easy, everyone gives me the love and support i needed then.